Our expectations from Others
Most of our problems in dealing with others stem from our thinking, not their thinking or behavior. We expect that people think like us …behave like us …act like us …Guess what …not even our sisters, brothers, sons, daughters, partners, or parents will do ……let alone friends, co-workers, etc. the issue is that we believe or we take it for granted that they have the same mentality, same background, upbringing, culture and our life experiences that we went through. Therefore, we expect them to act as if they were us, and we were them as if they were a mirror image that reflects us.
And disappointment and frustration happen when they act or behave less or differently than what we expect from them, and we react …we blame…we get angry …. sad …. our feelings towards them change, and we might even end our relationship with them.
We lose them, and we lose their friendship if they were friends or ties if family members or co-workers, etc. what we don’t realize is that we even lose the purity of ourselves and our peace of mind as we become filled with thoughts and judgments that are nothing but negative ones and are our analysis and thinking and the same process is repeated throughout all our relations with others, and this burns us and causes a lot of negative emotions that continue to be built in ourselves over the years and would eventually result in diseases. Yes, we cause this to our bodies apart from our minds and soul.
Think about it this way, did it ever cross your mind that the others, too, are struggling with you in the same way you are with them…… you, too, don’t have the same background as they have, don’t think the same way as they do or act in the same way that they expect you to…right?
It would help if you understood that others wouldn’t change and will continue to act and behave consistently, and it’s not that they are wrong or good; it’s simply because they are doing the best that they can, given their culture and experiences in life, the sadness or trauma or even good things that they were exposed to growing -up. It would be best if you did not waste your energy trying to change them. The change should come from within you and not them.
It’s not that hard to change. It all starts with self-awareness, your readiness and willingness to work on yourself, recognizing that the change should come from within you, taking accountability, and being responsible for all your relations with others……trust me, you will be in control and power.
Starting with self-awareness and being mindful about your thinking and expectations from others and their usual and ordinary behavior or attitude …when this happens, ask yourself: is it me thinking like this.
Don’t expect what you don’t do yourself, and it’s fair enough; if you can’t do it, then why expect others to do it? On the other hand, don’t compare yourself to others. You can do things and achieve things that others can’t do simply because they don’t have the same capabilities or even the exact needs in life.
Don’t allow your ego in relationships, and here I recall the “Jante law” by a Danish – Norwegian writer, Aksel Sandemose, who set 10 rules that helps you have reasonable expectations:
- You’re not to think you are anything special.
- You’re not to think you are as good as we are.
- You’re not to think you are more intelligent than we are.
- You’re not to imagine yourself better than we are.
- You’re not to think you know more than we do.
- You’re not to think you are more important than we are.
- You’re not to think you are good at anything.
- You’re not to laugh at us.
- You’re not to think anyone cares about you.
- 10. You’re not to think you can teach us anything.
Looking at these rules, do you relate to any of these when you set your expectations for others? Are you judging others? Is it ego here? if that’s the case, you need to pause and re-evaluate yourself, your thinking, and your attitude toward others. Didn’t I mention that it all starts within you, your thinking?
It would be best if you were the change. The change that will help you to have successful relations in your life with your partner, kids, parents, family, friends, and co-workers. Always remember you will not change others; however, you will change how you see them and be able to deal with others the way they are.
